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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,184 --> 00:00:10,719
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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♪ Family Guy 14x01 ♪
Pilling Them Softly
Original Air Date on September 27, 2015
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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Ugh, look at Miss Tammy.
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What a skank.
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She's free-muffin it
at a baby school.
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Hi, Stewie.
Mommy's here to pick you up.
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Why do you feel
the need to narrate
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every little thing you do?
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00:00:46,290 --> 00:00:47,823
Oh, hi, Mrs. Griffin.
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You know, I've
actually been meaning
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to talk to you
about Stewie.
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I'm concerned that he might
have an attention problem.
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Attention problem?
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Yes, he's been a little
difficult to deal with,
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and on page two of three in the
How To Be a Teacher manual,
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it says that any child
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who's being difficult
should be medicated.
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What?! Drugging a baby?
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Are you sure?
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That sounds so serious.
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I'm afraid his behavior has
been an issue for a while.
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He's even been bothering
students during nap time.
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Hey, you up?
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Guess where
I have a crayon.
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So, I spend, like,
$75 on cat toys,
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and what does she play with?
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A shoelace.
That's crazy.
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Joe, that's been your answer
every time I tell a story.
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It's like
you're not even listening.
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Well, that's 'cause
you interrupted me
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when I was telling
you about Kevin
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trying to hang himself
with an extension cord.
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I know, that's crazy.
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Hey, y'all want to try
some of our new food?
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I'm trying to turn this place
into a gastropub.
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These are Korean tacos, 'cause
whatever the hell nowadays.
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Ugh! These are terrible!
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(laughs)
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Quagmire,
when it comes to tacos,
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I'll trust the Koreans,
thank you.
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You're nuts. This tastes like
Ani DiFranco after a bike ride.
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Geez, Quagmire, since when are
you such an expert on food?
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For your information,
I'm an excellent cook.
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(laughs):
You? A cook?
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Huh. What's your specialty?
No-way soufflé?
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(laughs) I'm sorry,
that was out of line.
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I am a good cook,
and I'll prove it to you!
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Saturday night, you
and all your wives are coming
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to my place for dinner.
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Fine. We'll be there.
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Ooh, can we make it
Sunday?
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Saturday, I'm giving
Javier Bardem a haircut.
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So, what'll it be?
Everything.
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What do you mean?
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Long in the short places,
short in the long places.
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It should be from both
the future and the past.
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Something a child
would do to a doll.
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Sorry, I just prefer
to do number two at home.
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Where were we?
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It's Stewie,
Dr. Hartman.
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He's having trouble
focusing at school.
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Ah, yes. So you're telling me
your baby won't sit still
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in a way that's convenient
for his teacher?
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Yes.
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I'd heard stories,
but never thought
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I'd see it
with my own eyes.
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Mrs. Griffin, I'm going
to write Stewie a prescription
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for ADHD medication.
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Really? Well,
I don't know.
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Doesn't that stuff
make you wired?
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Well, if you're low-energy
and lethargic, yes.
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But if you're high energy,
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it actually calms you down
and helps you focus.
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At least that's what I'm reading
on WebMD.
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Wow, there are a lot
of different kinds of medicines.
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There's a cat in here.
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Okay, I guess we
can give it a try.
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Here you go.
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Now, who's this little guy?
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Wow, when did you learn
to cook, Glenn?
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Well, as a young man, I found
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that a great meal was the
quickest way to a woman's heart.
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How romantic.
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I mean, how do you think NBA
players get all those chicks?
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They're all great cooks.
Except Kobe Bryant.
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His-his... his secret
is different.
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Quagmire, you're really good.
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You could probably
make money at this.
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Yeah, maybe you could
open a restaurant.
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Or maybe get a cooking show.
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You know,
the 11:30 cooking show
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on Channel Five
needs a new host.
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The old one burned off
his eyebrows,
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and was just too weird
to look at.
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You should do
it, Quagmire!
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I'll even come along
and cheer you on!
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You'd do that for me?
Course I would.
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I love cheering people on,
like when I go to NASCAR.
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(crowd cheering)
Go in a circle!
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Go in a circle!
Go in a circle!
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Advertise stuff!
Advertise Stu...!
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Go in a circle!
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Hey, where's Stewie?
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Oh, he's probably
sleeping off his pills.
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What?
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Well, the school said
he had an attention problem,
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so Dr. Hartman gave him
a prescription.
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You're giving a
one-year-old drugs?!
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You're doping up a baby!
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Peter, are you
okay with this?
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Will you stop talking?
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I'm trying to think about a girl
I saw at the gas station.
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(door creaks)
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Stewie?
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(slowly):
Welcome to Pillow-World, Bri.
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Let me get up and greet you.
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There we go.
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How you doing?
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Oh, my God, Stewie,
you're totally drugged out!
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You know something?
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I have been thinking
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about how everyone in this
family, Brian, does their job.
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And they do a pretty
good job of it.
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God, I'm really freaking
out over this audition.
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What if I blow it?
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Quagmire, when I agreed
to come to this,
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I didn't know it would require
this level of emotional support.
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00:05:18,362 --> 00:05:19,761
You Glenn Quagmire?
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I'm Carson, the
producer of the show.
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Peter Griffin.
I should be at work.
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Okay, let's see
what you've got.
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I think you're gonna like this.
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Cedar plank salmon
with a maple glaze
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and slow-roasted cherry tomatoes
on a bed of mesclun greens.
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Hmm. Not bad.
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Also, the tomatoes can be eyes,
and the lettuce can be hair.
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Look down.
There's also a carrot.
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(laughs) This is great!
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Terrific food
and a hilarious sidekick?
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This! This
is the show!
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What do you mean?
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I'm saying
you're hired!
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Just as long as your
friend joins you.
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What do you say, Peter?
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I say let's do it!
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Whoops. Uh, uh.
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Oh, I'm...
I'm sorry.
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What do I...
what-what do I do?
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I-I don't...
I don't know what to do now.
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That was the wrong choice,
Peter.
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Wow, Quagmire,
look at you!
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You're a real TV chef!
I know.
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It might sound silly,
but being a chef is something
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I've always dreamed about.
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I always dream about my
house filling up with water.
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That's crazy. But anyway, thanks
for encouraging me, Peter.
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DIRECTOR:
All right, places!
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We're rolling
in three, two, one.
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Welcome back to
Quagmire's Kitchen.
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Now, this mince pie
is about ready to go.
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Just needs a pinch
of cinnamon.
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And while we're at it, how about
we take the cinnamon challenge?
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Okay, Peter, we've all seen
the Internet videos.
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We're not doing that.
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I was talking about
something else.
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I was talking about a
serious cooking thing.
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Now, the ingredients
of a mince pie are traceable
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to the 13th century,
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00:06:54,218 --> 00:06:56,319
when returning European
crusaders brought back
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Middle Eastern recipes
containing meats,
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fruits and--
oh, boy-- spices.
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Right here,
I'm using cloves.
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(coughing)
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Of course, most people associate
mince pie with Christmas.
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00:07:06,130 --> 00:07:07,663
(hacking)
But I'll be honest.
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I'm not afraid of
a summer mince pie.
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I remember the first time
I had mince pie.
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Our neighbor, Mrs. Morrin,
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introduced it to me one afternoon.
Oh, God!
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I had house-sat for her
Aah!
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while she was visiting her aunt in Vernon
Oh, God.
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and she wanted to thank me.
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And, oh, boy,
what a treat it was.
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You done?
Yeah.
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All right, best two
out of three, cinnamon.
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Still on those meds, huh?
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00:07:36,894 --> 00:07:41,130
Uh, yeah, they, uh...
they help me to, um...
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00:07:41,165 --> 00:07:43,199
uh... think.
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00:07:43,234 --> 00:07:46,302
Okay, time for
an eyes-open nap.
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00:07:48,072 --> 00:07:50,306
God, look what those pills
are doing to you.
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00:07:50,341 --> 00:07:52,575
Putting you on that stuff
was a huge mistake.
201
00:07:52,610 --> 00:07:55,211
Like inviting a turtle
to a cocktail party.
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00:07:55,246 --> 00:07:58,648
Hey. Ask me why they
call me a box turtle.
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00:07:58,683 --> 00:08:00,983
(loud munching)
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00:08:01,019 --> 00:08:03,686
See, this is how
American society treats unique,
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00:08:03,721 --> 00:08:05,287
enthusiastic children.
206
00:08:05,323 --> 00:08:07,323
Instead of embracing
their mental gifts,
207
00:08:07,358 --> 00:08:09,225
their first reaction
is to shoot them up
208
00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,627
with hard-core drugs
until they're mindless sheeple.
209
00:08:11,663 --> 00:08:13,596
All the better
to send off to Kuwait
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00:08:13,631 --> 00:08:15,965
and feed the Halliburton
oil machine, right?!
211
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000
(scoffs):
Bush.
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00:08:18,036 --> 00:08:20,836
Yup. Takes all kinds.
213
00:08:20,872 --> 00:08:23,639
You know, a lot of kids
at my school take ADD pills.
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00:08:23,675 --> 00:08:25,808
They say if you're lazy
and unmotivated,
215
00:08:25,843 --> 00:08:28,177
it makes you super energized
and productive.
216
00:08:28,212 --> 00:08:31,080
Rea... Really? Productive?
217
00:08:31,115 --> 00:08:33,215
Yeah. And college kids
take it all the time
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00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,884
so they can focus
on their studies
219
00:08:34,919 --> 00:08:36,719
and drinking alcohol
with their butts.
220
00:08:38,756 --> 00:08:40,723
Focus, huh?
221
00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:42,058
Okay, well, Stewie,
222
00:08:42,093 --> 00:08:44,794
these babies can help
the garbage disposal focus
223
00:08:44,829 --> 00:08:46,662
because that's where
they're going.
224
00:08:46,698 --> 00:08:47,997
No need to follow me,
225
00:08:48,032 --> 00:08:50,366
because I just said
what I was gonna do.
226
00:08:54,572 --> 00:08:56,605
My God, I can't stop!
227
00:08:56,641 --> 00:08:58,974
The words are
just pouring out of me!
228
00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:01,877
I have more energy than a guy
who caught a T-shirt!
229
00:09:01,913 --> 00:09:03,879
(crowd cheering)
230
00:09:03,915 --> 00:09:06,182
My wife can wear this to sleep!
231
00:09:06,217 --> 00:09:09,085
My wife can wear this
to sleep!
232
00:09:13,658 --> 00:09:16,225
Okay, today we're putting
together duck breast medallions
233
00:09:16,260 --> 00:09:17,827
with a port wine reduction.
234
00:09:17,862 --> 00:09:19,628
And as I'm walking you
through the steps,
235
00:09:19,664 --> 00:09:22,565
watch your screen for
Junior Chef Peter's pop-up tips:
236
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,568
helpful hints and food factoids
to make your meal a success.
237
00:09:25,603 --> 00:09:27,036
Now, you're gonna want to start
238
00:09:27,071 --> 00:09:29,238
with a large,
self-sealing plastic bag.
239
00:09:29,273 --> 00:09:31,507
And in that bag,
we'll combine one large,
240
00:09:31,542 --> 00:09:33,642
finely-chopped garlic clove;
241
00:09:33,678 --> 00:09:36,245
one tablespoon of grated,
peeled fresh ginger;
242
00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,514
two teaspoons
of five-spice powder;
243
00:09:38,549 --> 00:09:41,784
a teaspoon of salt; and a half
teaspoon of fresh ground pepper.
244
00:09:41,819 --> 00:09:44,086
Then you're gonna want
to add the duck breasts,
245
00:09:44,122 --> 00:09:47,189
seal the bag, and refrigerate
that for at least one hour,
246
00:09:47,225 --> 00:09:50,192
or up to 24 hours, if you want
to prepare this ahead of time.
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00:09:50,228 --> 00:09:52,561
Just make sure you remove
the bag from the refrigerator
248
00:09:52,597 --> 00:09:54,130
one hour before cooking.
249
00:09:54,165 --> 00:09:57,767
You're gonna put that in your
oven, preheated to 400 degrees.
250
00:09:59,637 --> 00:10:01,370
So we just spoon
on the drippings,
251
00:10:01,405 --> 00:10:03,105
and that'll brown
the skin nicely.
252
00:10:03,141 --> 00:10:07,476
If you bang these metal spoons
on everything, it's like Stomp.
253
00:10:07,512 --> 00:10:10,146
Look at me! I'm huge in 2002!
254
00:10:10,181 --> 00:10:11,647
Peter...
255
00:10:11,682 --> 00:10:14,483
Nothing like a night at the
theater that ends in a headache!
256
00:10:14,519 --> 00:10:15,985
Damn it, Peter,
that's it!
257
00:10:16,020 --> 00:10:18,454
I can't do this show with
you anymore! You're fired!
258
00:10:18,489 --> 00:10:19,755
What?! You can't fire me!
259
00:10:19,791 --> 00:10:21,557
Only Mr. Spacely can fire me.
260
00:10:21,592 --> 00:10:24,760
Griffin...
you're fired!
261
00:10:24,796 --> 00:10:27,463
(voice breaking):
Okay, that's fair.
262
00:10:27,498 --> 00:10:30,132
(crying)
263
00:10:31,869 --> 00:10:33,502
Peter, can
I come in?
264
00:10:33,538 --> 00:10:36,672
Hold on, let me put on
my weird old actress turban.
265
00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,375
Yes?
266
00:10:39,410 --> 00:10:41,811
Listen, I saw what happened,
but you should know,
267
00:10:41,846 --> 00:10:43,913
we at the station
would hate to lose you.
268
00:10:43,948 --> 00:10:45,447
You're a big hit
with the viewers.
269
00:10:45,483 --> 00:10:48,150
I will not work
with that man again.
270
00:10:48,186 --> 00:10:49,985
I'm not asking
you to. In fact,
271
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:52,555
we'd like to offer you
your own cooking show.
272
00:10:52,590 --> 00:10:55,157
Hmm, let me consult
with my lawyer.
273
00:10:55,193 --> 00:10:57,660
Well, Peter, since the DUIs
happened so close together,
274
00:10:57,695 --> 00:10:59,662
we don't really have
much wiggle room here.
275
00:10:59,697 --> 00:11:02,865
I suggest you take the jail time
and just get it over with.
276
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:05,835
I'll do it.
After October 13.
277
00:11:12,944 --> 00:11:14,443
Come on, Rupert.
278
00:11:14,478 --> 00:11:15,711
Wait-wait till you see this.
279
00:11:15,746 --> 00:11:18,180
This is really
something special.
280
00:11:18,216 --> 00:11:22,718
Check out how much water
is in the dehumidifier.
281
00:11:22,753 --> 00:11:25,321
Wow!
282
00:11:25,356 --> 00:11:27,690
That was all in the air.
283
00:11:27,725 --> 00:11:29,225
(light clattering)
284
00:11:30,928 --> 00:11:32,061
Brian?
285
00:11:32,096 --> 00:11:33,629
Is that... is that, uh...
286
00:11:33,664 --> 00:11:35,931
Is that, uh... you?
287
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:37,333
Stewie! Rearrange.
288
00:11:37,368 --> 00:11:38,834
Ewiets. Rearrange.
289
00:11:38,870 --> 00:11:40,236
Wieest. Restore.
290
00:11:40,271 --> 00:11:42,271
Stewie. Hey, come see
what I've been working on.
291
00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:47,076
I call it
Space Shire Seven.
292
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:48,711
Nice, nice.
293
00:11:48,746 --> 00:11:52,047
It's like, uh, it's like
a fake, uh, place you made?
294
00:11:52,083 --> 00:11:54,817
It's a medieval sci-fi universe,
adaptable to TV,
295
00:11:54,852 --> 00:11:56,485
movies, toys, games,
and mobile apps!
296
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:58,554
I threw together a 2,000-page
treatment last night.
297
00:11:58,589 --> 00:12:00,256
And I just figured,
the hell with it,
298
00:12:00,291 --> 00:12:02,124
why not build a scale model
and record voices
299
00:12:02,159 --> 00:12:04,293
for all the characters? Watch.
300
00:12:04,328 --> 00:12:05,761
Well met, stranger.
301
00:12:05,796 --> 00:12:07,963
Arasha deekaba plitcho.
302
00:12:07,999 --> 00:12:09,832
That's a Nebulon Mage.
He speaks Ga'bi,
303
00:12:09,867 --> 00:12:11,667
this dumb language I wrote.
304
00:12:11,702 --> 00:12:13,736
It's then... illegal?
305
00:12:13,771 --> 00:12:15,738
What?
306
00:12:15,773 --> 00:12:17,773
Hello?
307
00:12:22,146 --> 00:12:24,380
Okay, now we add
the diced tomatoes.
308
00:12:24,415 --> 00:12:25,881
(thumping dance music,
applause in distance)
309
00:12:25,917 --> 00:12:27,082
Just gonna keep going here.
310
00:12:27,118 --> 00:12:28,951
I like to drizzle these
with a fig balsamic...
311
00:12:28,986 --> 00:12:30,386
(crowd cheers in distance)
Damn it.
312
00:12:30,421 --> 00:12:32,087
What the hell
is going on over there?!
313
00:12:33,858 --> 00:12:35,357
♪ I don't want ♪
314
00:12:35,393 --> 00:12:36,759
♪ A place to stay... ♪
315
00:12:36,794 --> 00:12:39,128
And that's my famous paella
that looks and tastes
316
00:12:39,163 --> 00:12:40,529
just like a pizza bagel.
317
00:12:40,564 --> 00:12:41,864
It's a pizza bagel.
318
00:12:41,899 --> 00:12:45,567
Now, as always,
add butter to taste.
319
00:12:45,603 --> 00:12:47,269
Mmm, delicious!
320
00:12:47,305 --> 00:12:49,305
Butter dunk!
(buzzer sounds)
321
00:12:49,340 --> 00:12:50,340
(crowd cheering)
322
00:12:52,543 --> 00:12:54,310
Stop it!
Stop the show!
323
00:12:54,345 --> 00:12:55,811
What the hell
are you doing?
324
00:12:55,846 --> 00:12:57,813
You're just pouring
melted butter onto frozen foods.
325
00:12:57,848 --> 00:12:59,315
You're not a chef.
326
00:12:59,350 --> 00:13:02,017
Oh, really? Then why do I
already have a restaurant
327
00:13:02,053 --> 00:13:04,720
in Orlando's largest
indoor water park?
328
00:13:04,755 --> 00:13:07,289
This is an insult to anyone
who cares about cooking.
329
00:13:07,325 --> 00:13:09,491
Either you leave
the network or I do!
330
00:13:09,527 --> 00:13:12,328
Guys, guys, look, I know how
we can settle this: a cook-off.
331
00:13:12,363 --> 00:13:13,862
Each of you
cooks a meal
332
00:13:13,898 --> 00:13:16,532
using a secret ingredient,
Iron Chef style.
333
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,300
Will we be allowed
to use calculators?
334
00:13:18,336 --> 00:13:19,568
Um, I... I don't...
335
00:13:19,603 --> 00:13:20,836
What?
336
00:13:20,871 --> 00:13:22,338
I say bring it on!
337
00:13:22,373 --> 00:13:23,939
Fine! A cook-off it is.
338
00:13:23,975 --> 00:13:25,674
See you in the
kitchen, jerk.
339
00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:28,477
I'll see you
in hell, loser.
340
00:13:29,947 --> 00:13:31,947
Bad day to carpool.
Yeah.
341
00:13:36,934 --> 00:13:38,900
Okay, Joe, Peter and I
are going head-to-head
342
00:13:38,962 --> 00:13:40,128
in that cooking
competition,
343
00:13:40,163 --> 00:13:41,796
and they're letting us
each use an assistant.
344
00:13:41,831 --> 00:13:43,131
Will you help me out?
345
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:44,999
Okay, but just promise me
there's no reading.
346
00:13:45,035 --> 00:13:46,200
I'm not a strong reader.
347
00:13:46,236 --> 00:13:47,435
What?
348
00:13:47,470 --> 00:13:48,736
I'm not illiterate,
I'm just slow.
349
00:13:48,772 --> 00:13:50,238
What are you talking about?
350
00:13:50,273 --> 00:13:53,808
I never tried hard in school
'cause I could always run fast.
351
00:13:55,445 --> 00:13:58,146
So you're cool with being
my chef helper for the big show?
352
00:13:58,181 --> 00:13:59,647
Sure, but I got
to be honest--
353
00:13:59,683 --> 00:14:01,115
if it ain't a
fish with whiskers,
354
00:14:01,151 --> 00:14:02,750
I don't know what
to do with it.
355
00:14:02,786 --> 00:14:03,985
But if it is?
356
00:14:04,020 --> 00:14:06,988
Then sweet sassy molassey!
(chuckles)
357
00:14:07,023 --> 00:14:09,724
Great. Don't talk that way
when we're on the show.
358
00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:11,726
♪ ♪
359
00:14:11,761 --> 00:14:13,728
♪ You're taking a chance ♪
360
00:14:13,763 --> 00:14:15,897
♪ Risking it all ♪
361
00:14:15,932 --> 00:14:19,233
♪ For the thrill of the moment ♪
362
00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:20,835
♪ Taking a stand ♪
363
00:14:20,870 --> 00:14:23,671
♪ You ain't gonna fall ♪
364
00:14:23,707 --> 00:14:26,107
♪ And you've always known it ♪
365
00:14:26,142 --> 00:14:29,911
♪ They're dying to shake you ♪
366
00:14:29,946 --> 00:14:32,547
♪ Trying their best
to break you ♪
367
00:14:32,582 --> 00:14:35,016
♪ And though
the going is rough ♪
368
00:14:35,051 --> 00:14:38,086
♪ You're going home as a hero ♪
369
00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:42,690
♪ 'Cause there's
thunder in your heart ♪
370
00:14:42,726 --> 00:14:46,461
♪ Every move is like lightning ♪
371
00:14:46,496 --> 00:14:48,329
♪ It's the power you feel ♪
372
00:14:48,364 --> 00:14:50,531
♪ When you get your taste ♪
373
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:53,334
♪ Of the glory ♪
374
00:14:53,369 --> 00:14:55,870
♪ You can light the dark ♪
375
00:14:55,905 --> 00:14:59,874
♪ When they hear
your heart of thunder. ♪
376
00:15:04,180 --> 00:15:05,813
Stewie! Stew-ez Canal.
377
00:15:05,849 --> 00:15:07,849
You're here!
We got to get going.
378
00:15:07,884 --> 00:15:10,051
Going?
379
00:15:10,086 --> 00:15:11,252
Where?
380
00:15:11,287 --> 00:15:12,420
To Hartford, man.
381
00:15:12,455 --> 00:15:14,021
There's a book fair
at the convention center,
382
00:15:14,057 --> 00:15:15,656
and George R. R. Martin
will be there.
383
00:15:15,692 --> 00:15:17,158
Who-Who's that?
384
00:15:17,193 --> 00:15:19,727
Uh, Game of Thrones?
Black shirts? Dandruff?
385
00:15:19,763 --> 00:15:21,863
Takes down more nerd chotch
than anyone around?
386
00:15:21,898 --> 00:15:23,164
Okay.
387
00:15:23,199 --> 00:15:24,665
Anyway, I'm gonna
show him my models
388
00:15:24,701 --> 00:15:26,801
and pitch him
Space Shire Seven.
389
00:15:26,836 --> 00:15:30,638
Okay, before we go,
I should wet my eyes.
390
00:15:30,673 --> 00:15:32,673
(slow scraping)
391
00:15:37,614 --> 00:15:39,380
There.
392
00:15:41,885 --> 00:15:45,353
♪ ♪
393
00:15:45,388 --> 00:15:47,622
Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker,
and we have a fantastic
394
00:15:47,657 --> 00:15:50,992
cooking competition for you
today with two fantastic chefs.
395
00:15:51,027 --> 00:15:52,493
Really?
396
00:15:52,529 --> 00:15:54,662
You couldn't find another
adjective for "fantastic"?
397
00:15:54,697 --> 00:15:56,130
Used "fantastic" twice?
Who wrote this?
398
00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:57,498
DIRECTOR:
Erica did.
399
00:15:57,534 --> 00:15:59,667
Wait, is that the one
I called fat and we can't fire?
400
00:15:59,702 --> 00:16:00,868
Yeah.
401
00:16:00,904 --> 00:16:02,904
Let's get this
contest started!
402
00:16:05,842 --> 00:16:07,909
Big whoop. I can do that.
403
00:16:07,944 --> 00:16:09,177
(woman screams)
404
00:16:09,212 --> 00:16:10,444
DIRECTOR:
Oh, my God, Erica!
405
00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:11,646
You killed Erica!
406
00:16:11,681 --> 00:16:13,748
TOM:
Fantastic.
407
00:16:19,789 --> 00:16:22,089
That's him.
George R. R. Martin.
408
00:16:24,961 --> 00:16:26,627
God, he must be
the coolest fat guy
409
00:16:26,663 --> 00:16:28,663
in a train conductor's cap
in the world!
410
00:16:28,698 --> 00:16:30,531
Mr. Martin,
I'm Brian Griffin,
411
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:32,834
and I've got a pitch
that's gonna blow you away.
412
00:16:32,869 --> 00:16:34,168
Are you sitting down?
413
00:16:34,204 --> 00:16:35,469
Almost always.
414
00:16:35,505 --> 00:16:37,705
Then join me
on an interstellar crusade
415
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:40,775
to Space Shire Seven!
416
00:16:40,810 --> 00:16:43,077
Our story begins
50,000 fortnights ago,
417
00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:45,646
in the distant galaxy
of Warlock's Keep.
418
00:16:45,682 --> 00:16:47,181
Comet Castle falls.
419
00:16:47,217 --> 00:16:49,417
Samson Cyberblood is the new
king of the star system.
420
00:16:49,452 --> 00:16:51,419
Long live
Space Shire Seven,
421
00:16:51,454 --> 00:16:53,621
and long live
the Hyperspeed Throne!
422
00:16:53,656 --> 00:16:54,656
(panting)
423
00:16:55,692 --> 00:16:57,425
So? What do you think?
424
00:16:57,460 --> 00:16:58,659
It was terrible.
425
00:16:58,695 --> 00:16:59,894
Ah, you're
speaking the language
426
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:01,329
of the Opposite Goblins.
427
00:17:01,364 --> 00:17:02,663
I'm very flattered.
428
00:17:02,699 --> 00:17:03,965
No, it's garbage.
429
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,533
You just took a lot of pills,
430
00:17:05,568 --> 00:17:08,002
mashed together a bunch
of sci-fi and fantasy clichés
431
00:17:08,037 --> 00:17:11,105
and crapped out
a 2,000-page turd.
432
00:17:11,140 --> 00:17:13,241
Y-You could tell
I was on medication?
433
00:17:13,276 --> 00:17:16,077
Oh, sure. But that stuff
doesn't make you write well,
434
00:17:16,112 --> 00:17:17,879
it just makes you
write a lot.
435
00:17:17,914 --> 00:17:19,380
Now, if you'll excuse me,
436
00:17:19,415 --> 00:17:22,416
I have to go wash the nerd
chotch out of my beard.
437
00:17:25,088 --> 00:17:26,420
God. I didn't realize
438
00:17:26,456 --> 00:17:29,624
how those drugs were
ruining me creatively.
439
00:17:29,659 --> 00:17:32,193
I haven't been feeling
quite right either.
440
00:17:32,228 --> 00:17:35,463
Yesterday, I watched Chris
shower for half an hour
441
00:17:35,498 --> 00:17:38,065
just because
I thought it was the TV.
442
00:17:38,101 --> 00:17:39,533
He, um...
443
00:17:39,569 --> 00:17:41,469
he lies on his back
in there.
444
00:17:41,504 --> 00:17:43,838
Stewie, this drug
is ruining us.
445
00:17:43,873 --> 00:17:45,039
We don't need these.
446
00:17:45,074 --> 00:17:46,474
You're right.
447
00:17:46,509 --> 00:17:49,043
These pills are for people
with real problems.
448
00:17:49,078 --> 00:17:50,845
But there's
nothing wrong with us.
449
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:53,247
You're just lazy,
I'm just excitable;
450
00:17:53,283 --> 00:17:54,582
we're-we're both normal.
451
00:17:54,617 --> 00:17:56,617
Now let's go home.
452
00:17:56,653 --> 00:17:57,985
(grunting)
453
00:17:59,656 --> 00:18:01,689
That man is an imposter!
454
00:18:01,724 --> 00:18:04,692
I am George R. R. Martin!
455
00:18:04,727 --> 00:18:06,027
Whoa!
456
00:18:09,399 --> 00:18:11,399
♪ ♪
457
00:18:13,903 --> 00:18:16,037
Let's begin
the Channel Five Cook-Off.
458
00:18:16,072 --> 00:18:18,806
Remember, the winner
gets to keep his TV show.
459
00:18:18,841 --> 00:18:22,310
And the secret ingredient is...
460
00:18:22,345 --> 00:18:23,444
butter.
461
00:18:23,479 --> 00:18:24,745
Aw, sweet!
462
00:18:24,781 --> 00:18:27,181
No. That's
Peter's specialty.
463
00:18:30,219 --> 00:18:31,953
I was hoping
the secret ingredient
464
00:18:31,988 --> 00:18:33,421
would be popcorn shrimps.
465
00:18:33,456 --> 00:18:35,957
I liked smacking
your butt earlier.
466
00:18:37,126 --> 00:18:39,460
Are the balls
different from the cubes?
467
00:18:39,495 --> 00:18:40,962
God, what do I do?
468
00:18:40,997 --> 00:18:42,930
Joe, check if we have shallots!
469
00:18:42,966 --> 00:18:44,565
Okay. I can't see
anything on the counter,
470
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:45,967
but I'll do my best.
471
00:18:47,770 --> 00:18:49,470
Aah! Monster brains!
472
00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:51,205
TOM: Looks like Chef Griffin
is preparing
473
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:54,075
a delicious five-course
butter feast.
474
00:18:54,110 --> 00:18:56,010
Son of a bitch,
I never cook with butter.
475
00:18:56,045 --> 00:18:57,979
Joe, grab my recipe book
and find a dish
476
00:18:58,014 --> 00:19:00,081
where I can substitute
olive oil with butter.
477
00:19:02,185 --> 00:19:03,317
Joe, come on, hurry!
478
00:19:03,353 --> 00:19:05,820
I told you
I'm not a strong reader!
479
00:19:10,193 --> 00:19:11,559
Damn it, Joe,
pull it together!
480
00:19:11,594 --> 00:19:14,495
Hey, Quagmire, FYI, I got to
take off in, like, ten minutes.
481
00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:16,230
I got a clarinet lesson.
482
00:19:16,265 --> 00:19:17,598
What?! Ugh.
483
00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:18,866
I can't do this.
484
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,901
(sobbing)
485
00:19:22,772 --> 00:19:25,239
Aw, look at Quagmire.
486
00:19:25,274 --> 00:19:27,141
This was his dream.
487
00:19:27,176 --> 00:19:28,342
Time's almost up, Peter.
488
00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:29,977
We're gonna win!
489
00:19:31,881 --> 00:19:33,881
No, we're not.
490
00:19:38,187 --> 00:19:39,954
TOM: And in a stunning
turn of events,
491
00:19:39,989 --> 00:19:42,056
Chef Griffin
is eating his entire meal.
492
00:19:42,091 --> 00:19:43,591
He'll have nothing to serve.
493
00:19:46,129 --> 00:19:47,595
(buzzer sounds)
494
00:19:47,630 --> 00:19:49,830
(panting)
495
00:19:49,866 --> 00:19:51,599
Well, that's it.
If Chef Quagmire
496
00:19:51,634 --> 00:19:54,969
has prepared a dish of any kind,
he wins this competition.
497
00:19:55,004 --> 00:19:56,370
Let's see what he has.
498
00:19:56,406 --> 00:19:58,839
A warm packet
of tartar sauce
499
00:19:58,875 --> 00:20:00,841
brought in
from somewhere else.
500
00:20:00,877 --> 00:20:03,544
"When are you gonna use that?"
Bonnie said.
501
00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:05,279
We have a winner!
502
00:20:05,314 --> 00:20:06,314
(crowd cheering)
503
00:20:08,384 --> 00:20:11,285
Peter, you threw
the cook-off for me?
504
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,686
I couldn't take
your dream away...
505
00:20:12,722 --> 00:20:13,888
Heart attack!
506
00:20:13,923 --> 00:20:15,456
...from you, buddy.
You're the...
507
00:20:15,491 --> 00:20:17,058
Mini stroke!
...one with the real...
508
00:20:17,093 --> 00:20:18,826
Heart attack!
...talent. You...
509
00:20:18,861 --> 00:20:20,294
Heart attack!
...deserve the show...
510
00:20:20,329 --> 00:20:22,029
Regular stroke!
...not me.
511
00:20:22,031 --> 00:20:24,331
You're a good
friend, Peter.
512
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,967
But... I don't want
a show either.
513
00:20:27,003 --> 00:20:28,035
You don't?
514
00:20:28,071 --> 00:20:29,170
Of course not.
515
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,072
I mean, look what
the show did to us.
516
00:20:31,107 --> 00:20:33,441
It destroyed the most
important friendship I have.
517
00:20:33,476 --> 00:20:34,708
JOE:
Thanks.
518
00:20:34,744 --> 00:20:36,610
You know what?
Let's end this for good.
519
00:20:36,646 --> 00:20:37,812
How?
520
00:20:37,847 --> 00:20:39,046
The same way Paula Deen
521
00:20:39,082 --> 00:20:41,048
got her cooking show
taken off the air.
522
00:20:41,084 --> 00:20:44,018
By saying the one word
you can't come back from.
523
00:20:44,053 --> 00:20:45,152
What?
524
00:20:45,188 --> 00:20:47,388
Say the word? Right now?
525
00:20:47,423 --> 00:20:49,757
Yeah. Together.
526
00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:51,486
Ready?
527
00:20:51,521 --> 00:20:53,054
You bet.
(both inhale)
528
00:20:54,890 --> 00:20:56,857
CLEVELAND: You could have
just quit the show.
529
00:20:56,892 --> 00:20:58,626
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man